i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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