I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
