I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
