I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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