I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
