i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
