youre lurking in front of me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
