Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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