I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
