Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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