I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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