I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
