Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
