Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
