Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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