I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize