Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
vagina is talking i cant
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
