also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Still dying that you shit outside
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
