She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
