Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
