so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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