The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
