my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
