Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
