I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
