you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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