Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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