so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
