i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
