There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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