I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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