It's Friday. Sex?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
