I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
