she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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