The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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