Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
