omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
