rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize