I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize