fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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