It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
