note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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