I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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