Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
All the doctor said was why
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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