You smell like stripper and shame
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
