Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
