I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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