i permit you to call me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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