dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
