I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
