If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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