LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
