My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
