I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
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