I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
