Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
