I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
