I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
