I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
