DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There's even glitter on my cock...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
