I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
